to my peenie

more often than i'd like i stay up late because there's too much going through my head to sleep-

the three feet you are away from me at night is the furthest we are ever apart. i watch your tiny little body flap around, wrapped in my good silk robe. you sleep in it because you say it smells like me.

sometimes i feel like i failed you. someone so good didn't deserve to be born into the life you were handed. but if it weren't for my impulsiveness and bad decision making you wouldn't be here, you're the product of my irresponsibility. you're the reward for unconditional love and that's why you came to me. i feel guilty, greedy, lucky, undeserving, blessed and content beyond my ability to describe to have you. you justify my lack of judgement completely. you've nullified any lesson i could have learned from diving headfirst into a pool of sharks.

today you told me you don't want to be called lily anymore. you never liked that name, even when you were a tiny infant you insisted on being called hoy or gim gimmley or brin brinya. i wish you could have picked your name when you were born because i'd have happily named you peenie. you're a small toddler and you've already reinvented yourself.

you reinvented yourself into everything you were always going to be, despite your situation.

-ammin.