Friday, November 11, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

to my peenie

more often than i'd like i stay up late because there's too much going through my head to sleep-

the three feet you are away from me at night is the furthest we are ever apart. i watch your tiny little body flap around, wrapped in my good silk robe. you sleep in it because you say it smells like me.

sometimes i feel like i failed you. someone so good didn't deserve to be born into the life you were handed. but if it weren't for my impulsiveness and bad decision making you wouldn't be here, you're the product of my irresponsibility. you're the reward for unconditional love and that's why you came to me. i feel guilty, greedy, lucky, undeserving, blessed and content beyond my ability to describe to have you. you justify my lack of judgement completely. you've nullified any lesson i could have learned from diving headfirst into a pool of sharks.

today you told me you don't want to be called lily anymore. you never liked that name, even when you were a tiny infant you insisted on being called hoy or gim gimmley or brin brinya. i wish you could have picked your name when you were born because i'd have happily named you peenie. you're a small toddler and you've already reinvented yourself.

you reinvented yourself into everything you were always going to be, despite your situation.


Friday, April 15, 2011

how to bag you a husband

the buzz on the streets, depending on whether you're hanging out in the good part of town or not is that i'm about to be off the market again for good. until now i've positively refused to give out dating and love advice because, despite my chisssled abs and stunning features, all of this information can and will be used against me to take the few good remaining fish in the sea off my dinner plate! here is some prime information from my best selling book i'm working on for my phd. pay close attention, ladies:

  • although it's not terrible advice to go after a doctor, it's certainly not good advice. the last thing you want to do is bag one fresh out of medical school. the student loans are as unattractive as the dark circles around the eyes and the general dissheveledness of one actually in medical school. if you want to go down this route, go for a well established surgeon and nothing less. i dated my fair share of doctors and i could never quite get over the fact that those hands sliding down my pretty little body were just hours earlier on and in some infirm, mucous steeping invalid. i didn't have any luck with plastic surgeons either. the more successful they are, the more pockmarks they seem to have. a little piece of advice i've been hoarding away from all of womenkind is this: plumbers are the new doctors. in this day and age they have the potential to make a much larger salary plus they have none of the general expense that comes with being a doctor. and remember, plumbers pick their jobs, they don't have to deal with feces if they don't want to. doctors do not have this luxury.

  • even before the great stock market crash of '08, i always told my inner circle of friends that it was a foolish move to marry their hedgefund manager, no matter how successful he seems to be. these guys spend their entire day at work playing with immaginary numbers and they can't control any of it. you're not going to find a real man in this industry for this very reason, a MAN likes to be in charge of everything! marrying someone who works at the MVD is a better move because they get to lord over everyone at work, which means they won't have to push you around.

  • a good bet is to pick someone with a lot of potential energy as opposed to kinetic. sure, that real estate developer who has been calling you day and night has a flashy car and a hillside mansion but you know what? so do i and i don't have a job. any job i take has the potential to add a helicopter and a GV5 to my sum where he's likely already over his income potential. how do you find someone who is going to turn out to be something? ask him to smoke a cigar. if he looks good doing it, he'll probably amount to something. if he fumbles around with it at all the deal is off.

  • although when selecting a husband money will be your top priority, it's also important to consider that you're going to have to talk to it too. most husbands have nothing interesting to say so you might consider picking a really pretty one. but be aware that if you spend a lot of time tuning someone out and just looking at them, you're going to find yourself looking for imperfections on what you thought before was a perfect face. and believe me, you'll find one.

  • because you're going to have to tak to it, sometimes it's acceptable to marry some professor type. i say, the more they look like a wizard the better. don't go for the scrawny bespectacled type, they tend to have greasy hair. go for the gold and go after the head of some interesting department like anthropology or cryyptozoology. keep away from the more practical departments like economics. if you're going to subject yourself to that kind of nonsense, go after the flash in the pan hedgefund manager i talked about up there. but divorce him at the first sign of hard economic times!

  • science types are in high demand right now because everyone is getting their jizz all up in the air over jeff goldblum. i'm not going to lie, the sciency types aren't the worst you can pick. they are usually cute, even if they're absolutely hideous. and at least they can probably teach you to make meth if bad times come to pass. this type of man has a high chance of having pooping-himself problems later in life. i have a science degree so i've been around the lot.

  • marrying a gay guy sounds too good to be true and a lot of times it is. i did this once, i thought i was in for a big gay lifetime of restoring antique furniture. instead the only gay bonus i got was hearing a lot about kevin spacey, who i don't care much for anyway. if you're going to be a beard, make sure your gay doesn't publically lust after every busboy that refills his mountain dew glass; mine did and it was humiliating!

once you've found one worth bagging it's important to put out, ladies. men don't emotionally bond with you until after they've jizzed in you, this is a fact. if you're worried he's just going to ditch you after he gets the good stuff, this means you're not very hot in the sack. if you know you're going to fall short here, learn to cook extremely well. it's easier to learn to be an excellent chef than an excellent lover. or you can hold his car keys hostage. or threaten him with physical violence. it's important to do this early on in the relationship if you want to establish any kind of fear in him.

if all else fails, just hold up a picture of me and say i'm your mom and you'll probably end up looking just like me one day soon. it worked for almost all of my friends