list no. 1: the best.

in my busy life, the only thing that matters is the superlatives so i've always been fond of making lists. here is the first of many. you know, i am pretty inconsistent when it comes to likin' things. i like my petrus wine alright; but there's no finer filet than a chick-fil-a. my taste is called into question all the time by bitches and frankly there's just no explaining it. so here, for the information of the internet, is the finest selections from several categories:

animals:

the fennec fox takes the cake here. look how cute he is! he is by far the world's best animal. you can have them as pets too but they dig like motherfuckers so i can't have one. i have wanted one since my friend brought them to my attenton and perhaps this is why i got my papillon dog, because, story of my life, phillip, he was the next best thing.

apparently they sit on your shoulder like a parrot while you walk around the house.

look at his nose! he is so sweet.

city:

new orleans, but only in the french quarter and only at night and only when it's wet and only when there are lights on, like in this picture here. i haven't been too many places because usually when it came to vacation time my brother and i would demand disneyworld, year after year, often multiple times a year. but i know alot about places and i know i'm always right and new orleans, night, wet, and lights, is the best.

food:

oh no! this is the worst. probably the best food, with all considerations considered, is french onion soup, when it's slightly burned. i make this about once a month and the best recipe is les halles's version, http://www.chow.com/recipes/10006, minus the bacon and 'bouquet garni' whatever the f that is and simmered for a minimum of 4 hours. i've had better things, but none that i am capable of cooking (fuck you and the horse you rode in on, thomas keller.) so this wins.

clothings:

i can't pull this off anymore but i used to be able to. maison martin margiela wasn't something i was aware of when it was a possibility but maybe one day it will be again. i'd definitely be the raddest mom at the preschool, showing up like this with a nat sherman black and gold hanging out of my mouth. i would spit at the other moms who suggest things to me like 'enroll lily in a gymboree class'.

conversely, i also am very fond of old 50's housewife a-line dresses and wore them while i was an apartment wife. my wedding dress was a dior dress of this manner.

currently: i am not digging this year's fashion shows (save MMM, but just for the aesthetic value), nor have i for a while. i am not down with the skinny jeans unless you do them really, REALLy skinny. but it's probably just because i have really big calves.

alcohol:

there are better beers but none for this price or widespread availibility. and wine just isn't as good. if it were socially acceptable and didn't make me chunky, i would have one of these in my hand all the time. if i were an action figure, this would be one of my accessories, along with turkey leg and sombrero.

car:

everyday i wake up wondering if today will be the day that i buy one of these things and then i realize it's not becasue i can't afford an old 280 se like this one. but if i could, today would be that day. i actually prefer the rolls royce cornice 2, but i can't bring myself to lust after anything british.

i would write more but formatting these stupid pictures is giving me a headache, man.

j.l.g.

when i was little, i was always the fat kid, which i'm grateful for now. i hated it at the time but because of it, i always had to make up for it, i always had to be smarter or funnier or have a better trapper keeper than the other kids. eventually i lost the weight but it never went away. i still think about it all the time, whenever i eat or cook i can't not think about how this food will affect me. but then i realized it's the same with skinny kids, they probably feel the same way. i've known people who can't keep on weight and i can't understand it for the life of me.

and THEN i realized this is just weight, can you imagine all the spectrums of other things in the world like this? i've known kids with big noses or big chins and that's always the first thing they look at on me, i can tell it preoccupies them the way i think about being a tubby. and it goes beyond that too, probably, even if i can't undertand it. people probably worry about things that actually matter.

once i knew a girl who was perfect, who didn't care if you were a few pounds heavy or light or if you had a snaggle tooth. she didn't see any of that. i never got to know her well enough to know how she managed to do that. she died in a freak accident years ago and so i never will. it's one of those things, like the kids who can't gain weight, that i'll probably never understand.

right now i'd rather never know. but i'm glad i knew her, it gives me hope that maybe i'm not just overcompensating for my faults.

2012.

rad website: http://www.december212012.com/

les dogs.

...long ago when i was a society girl i would tell people that i'm a humanitarian when they asked me what i did for a living. i didn't want to say 'house wife' because at the time i had not a house and 'apartment wife' sounds disgusting. but i never did anything good for anyone because for the most part i am not fond of humanity; the people who i like and would want to help don't need it. but i'm not a total a-hole, just mostly. i like dogs, but not all dogs. some dogs just have a really look about them and you can tell they're good dogs.

a shelter in a small town out east uses gas chamber euthanasia. i have mixed feelings about this, carbon monoxide is a pretty painless way to die but the method of doing it is quite cruel. they shove several dogs at a time in a small metal box and gas 'em. the noise the gas makes scares them. it takes several minutes to work and it only works well on healthy adult dogs. on puppies, old dogs and pregnant dogs it takes much longer.

for the past few months i've been making internet postings about many of the dogs in the shelter, the ones who have have that good look to them. and until today they've all been adopted. but today one didn't make it. it's really discouraging and it makes me feel like i should stop paying attention to this shelter because eventually this is going to happen again and again and again. but then i feel even worse ignoring the problem.

i don't know why i'm writing about this, maybe because i feel like this poor dog deserves some sort of acknowledgement.

he was a good one. i can tell.

THE WEEWEES